movie idea

Dear Hollywood, 

It's me again. I just got to thinking, "what does Hollywood like more than movies?", and then i was like "RE-MAKING MOVIES!". So get this. 

We re-make Chris Nolan's Inception, but we have it star Will Smith. And we call the movie "I AM NESIA" 

See how good that is? Will Smith (iRobot, I AM LEGEND). It's perfect and you know it would crush in the box office.  Just replace the SPOILER ALERT wife with Jaden Smith and make it about his son. 

Hope to hear back from you soon, 

Stevie

The Washington Redskins: pt 3

By now I know you're either thinking, "ufck this guy", or "so what's the answer, wise guy?". And to that I say, here are my suggestions from awesome to "still better than the Sea Dogs".

1. The Washington Sports Teams. 

Seriously. Could you imagine? It's bad ass. It sounds like a super team. That's intimidating as shit. Like, damn.  I think I would like football. Hell, I'd even buy season tickets. 

2. The Washington Bills.

This is extra good because ufck New York. 

school house rock. 

school house rock. 

3. The Washington Football Players. 

Another brilliant idea, if I do say so myself. Just test it out..

"Gooooo Football Players!"... shit, I don't know enough football expressions..

"The football players blitz! They're going to the Super Bowl! Touch down, football players!"

"This week the Washington Football Players beat the New York Giants!". Ufck New York. 

4. The Washington Warlocks.

This would pair well with the Wizards. It would also piss a bunch of you off. Good. 

 

The Washington Redskins: pt 2

On to the real business:

WHO FUCKING CARES!? It's football. Football is stupid. Disagree? You're wrong. And don't get me started on soccer.

If these sports were so fucking great, why does everyone drink so much when they watch them? Sporting events are just excuses for people to get drunk and care about one more thing that doesn't matter, while fueling big business, exposing themselves to advertisements that convince them they should buy other shit that doesn't matter, all so the people that they are watching play this game that doesn't matter can make millions of dollars. Idiots. All of you.

Do you idiots really need another fucking thing to argue and fight about?  People literally die because people care so much about this stupid shit (yes, literally). Idiots. All of you. 

BUT LET'S PRETEND THAT SPORTS MATTERED AND THIS WAS WORTH TALKING ABOUT. 

Who are we offending here? How many "American Indians" have you seen in your life?

 Also, who's going around using racial slurs against these people? ...probably someone who watches football.


But honestly, I thought this was America.

We took this land so we could have freedom to name our shit whatever we want... and in this particular case, Andrew Jackson would be rolling in his fucking grave... too soon? 


But, again, words change. If you polled 8-15 year olds across the country on what Redskins are, I'd bet my dislike of football that they would say they're a football team.

 

tl;dr ...next up: the solutions and the problems with each solution (pt 3)

The Washington Redskins: pt 1

A sports team changed their name. This is #trending. I don't care about your football, but here is what I think.


Words change. I mean, hell, look at the offended party! We call these people American Indians. INDIANS! 

Quick Recap:

  • "Let's sail to India."
  • "We're here!" (not really there)
  • "Look at these fucking Indians." (not indians)
  • "Help! We can't survive here!"
  • "Gee thanks! Well, it's getting late, you all better get going. We live here now...What was that? Oh, well these are guns. GTFO and don't forget all this small pox!"
okay, quite a bit later.

okay, quite a bit later.

  • "Hey! You guys never came back over? What're you too good for us? Whatever..but whoa, look at this! We love what you've done with the place! ....You know the drill. Pack your shit."

 

[done summarizing... we fucked them, we fucked a beautiful people... and we stole lacrosse...

This is kind of poetic, because now lacrosse can be used to identify people who are as shitty as the people who started this whole mess. Ugh. "Lacrosse",  more like "Lastupid".]


I digress.. But we did horrible things over and over again to these people, and to top it off we just kept calling them Indians. What else would we call them? Native Americans. That's PC right? Also it's bad ass because they could put NA under ethnicity when filling out paperwork

Or we could just call them Savages. Right, Disney? 

 

tl;dr.   PT. 2

 

quick reminder: none of this matters.

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funny e-mail addresses

Nothing stresses me out more than having to create a screen name or e-mail address. There's a lot of pressure and in some cases you'll be stuck with that username forever ( @spotify). So I thought i'd jot off some suggestions to help you come up with something with staying power. 


E-mail Addresses:


"At" : Wouldn't it be nice to have your e-mail address be your first name @gmail.com? Well, you can't. But the next best thing might be "(YOURNAME)at" @domain.com. Pretty slick, but if you're speaking your e-mail to someone who you'd actually like to receive e-mails from, you might want to read it "(your name) a-t @domain.com", because they might assume you just have a stutter. HOWEVER if you know they're just going to spam you, let 'em spam the person who has your name@domain.com.. I mean, fuck 'em! They took the e-mail address that should've been yours!

"At" embracing the stutter: This is an alternative use of the previous approach. If you do have a stutter and want to embrace it with humor, try throwing a bunch of at's after your name. And if you want to get fancy with it, add in some ah's too..  DOWNSIDE: if you stutter when giving your e-mail address, or when delivering this, there will be chaos. 



to be continued... ( i got work to do. what do you think i do, write blogposts at work all day?)



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aaron maibach